Somedays & Secrets

You have no idea who I am.

You have no idea where I have been, where I am going, what I want to do with my life, what I want to wake up every day and see. I have been to places you cannot possibly imagine -- I have built worlds that you will never be able to comprehend.

And I'm lost. Turning around in panicked circles smaller smaller smaller until eventually I'm gone and disappeared forever. I hate you for haunting me. I hate you for giving me a taste of something divine, something heavenly, something beyond this world.

I will never find someone else like you.

But I'm glad, because while I felt something so incredible with you, someday...

Someday I will find someone who loves me back.

Someday I will find someone who isn't afraid of reaching out to take my hand in public.

Someday I will find someone who is willing to really, truly, do anything and everything to keep me with her.

Someday I will own the world.

Someday my body will tell a story more complex and deep than any novel.

Someday my art work will be examined in museums and gallery shows.

Someday my writing will be analyzed and will save someone's life.

Someday my name will be precious and painful for you to say.

Someday I will leave this place and never come back.

Someday, the somedays will kill me.

But until then, I'm holding my head up high and dealing with the consequences of killing you. I need you gone, forever and always.

YOU WILL NOT BE MY ONE AND ONLY.

...even though at one point in time, you were.

I am strong, and I am beautiful, and I am one of a kind and I hope you never see me again.

Tell me a secret?

Drugs have destroyed my life.
Drugs have saved my life.
I'm proud to be a stoner.
I'm proud to be an intellectual.
I have wristband tans.
I think I look good these days.
I haven't cut in nine months.
I'm going to go home, and smoke alone.
I haven't done any work in weeks.
I pray at least once a day.
I am addicted to smoking.
I eat too much.
I have books on my shelves that I bought with no intentions of reading whatsoever.
I'm positive my cause of death will be suicide.
Given the choice between you and drugs, I would pick you every time, even though you are so much worse than any drug I could possibly do.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
I'm terrified of ending up like my mother.
I'm leaving, and I'm never coming back.
I hate you for fucking up my world.
I regret ever bringing you to the fire.
I'm glad you got an alcohol ticket.
For all of my talk, I'm sure that I will end up forgotten and none of this will ever matter.
Quite a few of my best friends are total douchebags.
I feel like I get taken advantage of all the time, but that never stops me from wanting to share even more with you guys.
I'M NOT RICH.
I think I would be better off in a prison.
I fantasize about running away and never coming back all the time.
These aren't even my good secrets.

~Alisa

Save The People

I have a dream.

In this dream, there is no race, gender, sexuality, nationality, or classes. In this dream, there are no cliques, racism, homophobia, discrimination, hatred, or inequality. There is love, peace, hope, and belief in one world, one people.

There is love for every human being we ever meet, no matter where they have been or where they are going, no matter what they have done or what they will do, no matter whether they are our dearest and oldest friends or the harried woman in front of us at the check stand. There is peace among all the cultures, because one human is just as important and deserving as the next, and we have learned to coexist with our differences, rather then despite them. There is hope in every single human being that we can constantly improve the planet and the people for the better. There is belief in heaven, hell, one God, many gods, no gods, death, reincarnation, purgatory, limbo, angels, demons, endless space and a finite world. There is belief in everything and nothing all at once. There is respect for everything and everyone we ever meet, and yet there is personal definition in who we are and what we believe in.

There is strength in our individuality and our unique ideas.

I have a dream in which there is no war, and there is no anger, and no one is ever, ever alone. I have a dream in which the entire world is one never ending network of caring and support, no matter the dilemma and no matter the decision. I have a dream in which death is simply a natural part of life. Where people look both ways before crossing and stop at stop signs and are constantly aware of their surroundings. I have a dream where humankind is educated and alive. I have a dream where crying with joy and crying with fear and crying with anger and crying with loneliness is never, ever frowned upon, but instead is embraced as a way of physically expressing our emotions. I have a dream where children always have a safe haven and never question whether they are loved, where teenagers respect themselves enough to take care of themselves by dressing appropriately, living healthy, and are free to express themselves without fear of repercussions, and where adults can live any life they choose.

I have a dream where the definition of what is wrong and what is right is clear and precise and the consequences for both are apparent and real. I have a dream where nothing is impossible.

I don't know how to make this dream a reality, but I've decided to dedicate my life to making it happen.

~Alisa

Political Tourettes Syndrome

So there's this election coming up. You should be aware of it, if not you should pull your head out of the sand and take notice because it's kind of a big deal around here. I've never really agreed with politics and rather than being passionate about a party I typically get passionate about the fact that there are only two real parties. Which infuriates me, because that's exactly what the United States was set up against.

Regardless, I'm not out to change politics (I have bigger fish to fry than a bunch of stuffy old men in suits) so I'll just have to shut my mouth and decide how I'm going to vote.

Now, being gay I am automatically drawn to the more liberal of the candidates in hopes of inciting change in the gay community. I would love to see more gay friendly legislature passed, and if a conservative soul is in office the chances of said documents becoming official are more than halved. But at the same time, I don't like most of the other views that Democrats these days are spewing. I don't want socialized medicine... It works in Canada because Canada is... Well, I don't know. But it works there and while I don't know all the proper terminology, I sincerely don't think it would work well here. Also, I don't agree what they want to do with the war.

My opinion on the war is this: Shit happens.

As for the Republicans... Me, being a business owner, knows that having a Republican in office isn't just good for business, it's GREAT.

Do I sacrifice my desire for change so that my desire for success can be fulfilled? Or do I risk myself financially just so that on the off-chance that gay friendly legislature is written and submitted it has a slightly better chance of being passed?

Decisions decisions.

Also, on top of all of this, I have a date tonight. After a dark dating history, this is my first time trying to get my dyke ass back on the horse. And believe me, this has not been an easy task -- there's a lot of me to move.

It's the second date, and I'm picking her up to bring her down to my town so we can hang out. Yeah, I'm more than a little nervous. I'm probably one of the most unusual lesbians on the face of this planet in the sense that I'm terrified of women. And we're talking petrified. It makes picking up women very very awkward. It usually ends up sounding something like this:

Attractive Girl: "Did you enjoy your meal?"
Me: "Guh... I like food."
Attractive Girl: "Um... You're total comes to 18.23."
Me: "I LIKE FOOD."
Attractive Girl: "...debit or credit?"
Me: "Do you like food? Cause I can pay for food."
Attractive Girl: "Could you leave please?"

It's like I have selective tourettes. Mortifying.

Wish me luck tonight.

~Alisa

The Cliks Get Repaired

I love these guys, all sorts of lots. If you haven't had the chance to hear some of the most fantastic music on the face of this planet, you should really check them out. I love their MTV interview as well.

"Where did the name 'The Cliks' come from?"
"Well it's a combination of two human body parts. You figure it out."

I love that no one really knew how to respond to that.

Also, some video related humor...

The Question Of Pride

So I was asked a very... interesting question the other day.

In a society (and to be more specific, geographical area) where homosexuality is not just frowned upon, but is also discouraged, discriminated, and even at times persecuted, why am I so flamboyant and open about my gayness?

I was a bit taken aback, and being me, gave them a quick and witty response but the question stuck with me long after the conversation had ended. Why am I so proud to be gay?

I tried to justify it to myself by saying it was because it's so obvious in me that denying it would be futile. But then I realized that denial is the best solution for anything because as long as you deny it, there's nothing anyone else can do about it except for suspect.

I thought maybe it was because I'm trying to meet someone, so the more open I am the more likely a prime target will know of my intentions. But then I discounted that because if you're going to meet someone, you're going to meet someone and whether or not they know you're gay isn't going to change their feelings (if they're going to have any) about you.

Then I thought maybe it was because my 'homo'-ness has always been a source of much mirth and humor for everyone I know. But as we all know, that's not why I'm proud to be gay because sometimes that humor really gets on my nerves.

And then it came to me.

History.

It's about the history. Being an only child adopted to a single mother into a totally fucked up family left something to be hugely desired in my life. Growing up, all of my friends would a couple of weeks a year not be able to hang out with me because they were going on vacation with their family. Family reunions, visiting aunts and uncles, grandma and grandpa are in town, and Christmas, God, Christmas was the worst. I always felt so incredibly alone on Christmas because after opening presents mom would go into her room to sulk about the fact that she doesn't have a family and I would sit in the living room and play with my new toys. I remember one year mom couldn't even make it through all of the presents and went into her room 3/4 of the way through them. Just got up off the couch and shut her door. What would be the point of opening the rest of the presents if no one was there to share the joy? So I put on my coat and grabbed one of the wrapped boxes that were left and went for a walk. It was frigid and there was snow on the ground that crunched beneath my boots like particle board as I passed front window after front window of happy families and festive decorations. Why didn't I have that? Why was I not allowed to have that? That's what I always wondered.

And those damned family history assignments in school. There was always at least one a year of "draw your family tree" or "find an interesting ancestor and do a report". I never could. What would be the point? My family tree is so convoluted and twisted and the worst part is, it doesn't even really belong to me because I'm not blood related to any of these people and the woman that I am blood related to didn't want anything to do with me when I was born and the man I'm blood related to doesn't even know I exist.

You want to talk about a bastard child, I'm a prime example.

So when I realized at such a young age that I was attracted to women, it was like having more than just one piece of myself be filled up. It was like having almost every hole in my entire life filled up.

Suddenly I was a part of something. Suddenly I had a history, a culture, a people. Finally, for once in my life, I had something that I could relate with other people on. "You like your own gender? So do I!"

I realized, when I grew up, I didn't want to be anything but a lesbian. I told my mom I wanted to be an architect, a writer, a singer, an actress, but in the back of my mind, the word "gay" was added to every one of those careers. All my life, I've wanted nothing more than to be gay. That's all.

I may not have ancestors of great descent, grandparents who come to visit, cousins that I keep in touch with, or even parents to be proud of, but I come from a long line of great men and women who have helped change the face of this planet and society as we know it.

And that, in my opinion, is something to be proud of.

Here's to another nineteen years of gay pride.

~Alisa